searching for a healthy relationship

The Need For Healthy Relationships

When it became clear that I was entangled in nothing BUT unhealthy relationships, that I had nothing but unhealthy relationships my entire life, I made the decision to seek out healthy ones. In some cases this meant I needed to change my friends but in others, I needed to change MY perspective and MY actions because these were people who I couldn’t change but who I needed in my life (family). As I have learned, we don’t have many different relationships with different people but rather we have one kind of relationship with everyone. Such tough stuff to really understand – even hearing it can be tough – then believing it even tougher. But understanding it – and what it means in your life – now that’s really tough stuff. And I think I’ve gotten there. Not completely sure what it means to me in terms of what I should DO with the knowledge. And that is a persistent trait of mine – the need to DO something and take some action. So hard to know when to just let the knowledge change my perception and when I really need to be active.
But the past year I have gotten away from these deep thoughts. And I now find myself in an interesting place – where I’m revisiting some past mistakes and I have the opportunity to do it BETTER this time. I have become quite adept at spotting unhealthy, I know it, can almost smell it, and it has the power to reach deep inside of me, deep in my bones to unnerve me. I am at some critical junctures in my life

My job is getting funkier as the economy stays in the doldrums and mgt is pushing from growth that cant be sustained on our shaky, no tech based foundation. My boss is so incompetent at what he does – nothing but hot air and theories, no real experience, just the ability to kiss the ass of his boss just right. Makes no sense he’s where he is – not a hard worker or smart thinker – just a good talker. The thing I respect the least – so its not coincidence that he’s in my life. Lessons to be learned for sure. Don’t get me wrong, he’s a nice, lovely man, But no substance. And today I overheard his boss, the company president – having a tantrum and speaking rudely to another manager and slamming down the phone. It made me queasy and shakey. Like when my parents used to fight and I wanted to slap them and tell them to behave. Then I became fearful that he could turn on me and treat me that way. Understandable that I felt that way but at this point in my life I should just shake my head, recognize the bad behavior for what it was but refuse to be intimidated or in any way respond to it. Know that if someone ever speaks to me that way, I have a choice and the choice I should make involves being unemotional and clear that I deserve better. Because I do. I do deserve healthy relationships at work.

My daughters are at a very critical time in their development – this is the age when I think my mother made the most mistakes and where I must tread especially carefully if I want to avoid history repeating itself. I intellectually know they need to break away, that I need to become an idiot so they can become geniuses and have the strength to break away from me and become independent. But it hurts. And it feels personal even though its not. I used to be amazed at how much I enjoyed them, how much I liked them. Now I find there are times I don’t like them very much – or rather times when they do things I don’t like. I need to find a way to process that and still love and support them while letting them go. More on that later – although there are similarities between them, the girls act out in VERY different ways making me feel like I am battling on several fronts. But its so important for them to see healthy relationships in actions.

And that’s the point I’m getting to. Besides being able to accurately pinpoint exactly what an unhealthy relationship is, I need to be able to participate in a healthy one. And a healthy relationship isn’t one that is all positive, where every exchange is sweet and loving. I am thinking a bit that a healthy relationship has the right attitude and the right approach in times of trouble. Respectful. Communicative. Flexible. Unselfish.

I am also keeping my strong faith that the love of my life will come into my life. Michael Buble’s “I just haven’t met you yet” brings the biggest smile to my face because that’s exactly how I’m feeling. That I deserve a great relationship – a love of my life – someone to be proud of – someone to share with – someone who is smart, funny, loyal, successful, kind, trust worthy. My partner. That he will come not because I have earned him but because I am a loving person and I will connect with him. I just got an email from someone and I noticed that my tone and approach isn’t what I want it to be. I used to write such upbeat and cheerful emails to my online “dates” – and the ones I have written to Joe are not like that – there’s no humor, there’s a skepticism I don’t like. Well see what happens – he may not respond and it may go nowhere. But I think I have a chance to make some progress. Be nicer. I think we have a live the attributes we want to receive from a partner. So if I want kind, then I need to be kind. If I want positive, then I need to be positive myself. I need some work in that area, I seem to have gotten a bit off track and I need to get back in alignment.

and i will. just you watch me.

guess who

Identity theft is such a problem in this country. Nothing to joke about for sure. Yet I don’t worry about it as much as I probably should. I don’t have a paper shredder, I make purchases online, I never review my monthly statements to make sure I’m not being bled dry (my denial “problem” will probably be the topic of many future posts). I have a pretty cavalier approach to it – as I am sure many do. Maybe it’s because I have enough other stuff to worry about. But more and more I think it may be because I don’t feel I have an identity. The past decade has brought so many changes and twists and turns that the “me” that existed for most of my life no longer exists.

I am not sure who I am any more.

There have been a few troubling experiences over the past few months. Catching a glimpse of myself in a mirror and being shocked at who was there. Not just has my overall body changed but the features in my face are no longer familiar. My hair isn’t the same greasy mop that needed to be washed every day.

I don’t even know what foods I like any more because my taste buds have changed so much. Chocolate never held much allure for me but now I find I actually crave it sometimes. I used to be able to sit down and devour a bag of potato chips without batting an eye but now I find don’t get the same enjoyment. Of course that doesn’t stop me from eating them – I stupidly continue shoving them in my face waiting for the state of bliss they used to inspire.

Now some of this is good for sure. I am sure is far healthier for me not to inhale bags of chips. But over all I find it disturbing. Unsettling. And at times, jarring.

Those dark years after I lost my job were the starting point. So much of my identity was caught up in my job. I complained about it all the time but in many ways my job was my life. I got so much gratification from working for a big company and having a position in the spotlight. McGraw Hill was a Fortune 100 company – I had a staff and a great title. I spent lots of times in meetings and had authority. I got to travel – in a very nice style with an expense account and corporate card. But I also felt a bit like a fake. I rarely spoke up in meetings – usually just listened and regurgitated what I heard back like a good puppet. I was young and kinda cute and loved being one of the few women in the group. It was really a thrill at times.

And yet, I know it was wrong to put so much emphasis on it. Wrong to let it make me think I was somehow “better” or “smarter” because of my job. They say God whispers to you – softly at first – and then with increasing volume it gets louder and louder until you get hit upside your head with a 2x4. Since that’s exactly the point I got to, I have to imagine I ignored all kinds of messages – probably because I was distracted with the thought of my own self importance.

Losing my job – having to sell my house and then – horror of horrors, having to move home to Levittown. Well, that took so much out of me. My identity for sure and even a bit of my soul.

And what did I learn from that – did I learn my lesson? Because I am afraid I dodnt. I am now at a small, rinky dink company – the oppose of McH. I have a nothing little job – no importance and I rarely get to go to meetings where I have a voice. I have a hard time respecting many of the management team here as opposed to the borderline hero worship I had at McH. And now I feel myself spewing – complaining – thinking I know better than they do – thinking I am smarter than and better than.

What a shame.

I really need to get it under control. Decide who I want to me now that I’m no longer who I was. I know I had to get rid of all that bad ego stuff but – because I was such a poor learner – I also lost some of the good stuff. I was so much more confident then. So much less risk adverse. I need to do it in a caring and loving and non judgmental way - build an identity I can be proud of – something no one could ever steal or take away.

Today I’m grateful for
A gym in the building where I can go at lunchtime. Although 4 weeks of this working out and only 1 pound lost is not the best start – it is at least a start.
My son’s voice when he calls me on the phone. Today he went home with Julia and it was lovely to hear his 9 year old voice say hello.
Second – and third chances. I will do better this time.

So much for my noble idea about blogging...and when to satrt such a venture.

Sadly, I didnt continue blogging because I couldnt figure out how to access the blog. It can be so hard for a woman of my years to totally get the hang of this technology thing. I can use it but its not intuitive to me - not totally natural. And pateince is not one of my strong suits.

But here I am, back again, and hopefuly I'll be able to develop some kind of rhythm, something that fits into my lifestyle and needs.

I have some goals for this blog. I want it to help center me and help me lead a good life - one that is positive and aligned with my purpose. That much has held true in the past few months. But my ability to actually behave in a positive way has defintiely deteriorated recently. I guess its a combination of things - the kids growing up, dealing with a tough work situation, frustration with my size. Nothing earth shattering and nothing drastci. But my ATTITUDE, my way of looking at things, has been far more negative than I would like.

So, its time to do something about that.

I am a big believer in the idea that you dont have many different relationships with different people but rather one realtionship with everyone. i seem to have assumed the role of "person taken advantage of" in my life's play and I dont like it. Reminds me of the trapped way I felt when I was married and couldnt make JPC behave the way I wanted him to. I am not proud of the way I acted back then - perhaps this is a way for me to prove that I have learned that lesson and I can figure out how to stand up for myself with dignity and grace and not by judging anyone else.

I do need to move away from are
controlling others actions (or trying to)
judging people when they dont behave the way I think they should
thinking its bad that my preferred timeline isnt being adhered to

Things I want to work towards are
having faith that things are working out they way they should - according to a better schedule than I could ever imagine
focus on the good things in my life
compassion towards others who are at different stages in their life than I am

One of the best places to start is always from a place of gratitiude. Taking notice and writing down the things that I am grateful for - the mini miracles in my life - is very important. So, for today, here's what I am thankful for.

After a relatively mild few weeks of winter, its become numbingly cold - it would be easy to complain but I am instead aware that my kids dont have midterms today so i dont ahve to worry about them walking home from school in the frigid weather. And although the weather will continue over the weekend, we have no real plans so we can stay in and toasty warm the whole time. I am also grateful that I was given the help I needed to proactively do something from my "list" and tomorrow is defensive driving day.

And goal setting is also helpful. the universe rewards action over inaction every time. So I want to learn to upload pictures to this blog. Learn photo editing skills. Learn to work my camera on manual. And learn to enjoy my life more.