It's Beginning to look Alot Like Christmas

DECEMBER DAILY - DAY 5

I have worked for my company for 8 years but have only been in our current location about a year. When we moved in last Oct (2015), it was to bring two locations together. And while I miss the casual dynamic we had going on at the Farmingdale location, there are some nice things to be said about having the company all together in one location.

There are some really nice people who work here. Some really sweet and nice people. And when other aspects of the job get me frustrated and angry, I try to look closely for something positive to focus on. I have become a bit of a pollyanna to some but ts a way for me to cope.

One of the adorable things I have seen this year is that people are decorating their cubicles with little Christmas trees. Everyone has a different style but all are very adorable and give a merry feeling to the place.

Last year we were all a bit afraid to do much decorating. The message we got from corporate was this was a professional environment and we should personalize it too much. To discourage people from having too many personal photographs they even gave out small digital frames to help us keep the desktops in the open environment from looking cluttered., (This failed miserably with me but at least I am tucked away in a corner where people cant easily see my desktop.)

But I like the trees. They are all so cute and festive. And I like how the lunch room has been decorated with a full size tree and stockings hung for each employee. I don't take for granted that not every company has people willing to decorate and celebrate the season together.

One of My Favorite Days of the Year

DECEMBER DAILY - DAY 4

For over a decade I have had the immense pleasure of being part of the Basalone sisters annual Christmas get together/birthday party and have taken pcitures of my dear friend Ann and her sisters' families.

I met Ann at my first job out of college. Looking back I cant believe how crazy and silly we were. It was a young company in growth mode, catering to an industry that was exploding. the sky was the limit and the excitement was everywhere. All of us were young, animated kids in our twenties, working hard and playing hard. Ann and I immediately clicked and became companions on many trade show adventures. She made me laugh so hard and so often and I thought she was awesome.

Eventually we both left the company but we kept in touch the sporadic way you sometimes do. But no matter how much time might pass between our conversations, she brought it all back together. There were ups and downs for sure but seeing Ann was almost medicinal for me. She has the best spirit, is always FUN in an understated, witty way.

About 10 years ago the celebrations started - always the first Sunday in December. And with my trusty camera in hand I participated in the only way I really could, standing by, watching the banter of siblings and enjoying the halo effect of all the love.

This event has become so important to me - its a way for me to give back to a friend that I treasure, a way to be part of a "normal" family tradition, a way to kick off the holiday season. The day always makes me feel so good,. It sounds hokey but it really is what the Christmas season has come to mean to me. Ann and her sisters are great cooks and while there are some standards - quiches, bagels, pineapple/pinenut chicken salad to name a few. there are also some fun surprises - this year it was a lemonade blackberry punch that was a refreshing delight.

The weird thing is that my kids don't come. Its something I do apart from them, for myself. They know how much it means to me. But they don't know the characters,  Ann's sisters and their spouses and kids. people I have formed bonds with, people I have come to care deeply about, people I feel so close to after all these years.

This year was especially meaningful because the oldest girl got engaged at the event. And her fiancee, who I have also taken pictures of over the years, chose the day because he knew I would be there to take pictures. I cant tell you how honored and thrilled I was, how much it meant to me. Truly a privilege that I will always remember.

My Strange Addiction

DECEMBER DAILY DAY 3
Crafting is strangely a bit of an addiction for me. I guess that as addictions go it is not an especially bad one. But it's not as benign as it sounds either. The compulsion to go to AC Moore or Michaels, 50% coupon or not, can be costly. The hours spent scrolling through Pinterest. The amount of space all those supplies take up. No, it's not as innocent as you may think . In fact, any addiction seldom is without its cost.

Today after taking Phillip to Safety Swim for his 2 hour shift I came home and showered and then headed to my local Home Depot. My brand of craft obsession doesn't stop at indoor dust collectors. I like to go big as well with power drills and construction type materials. For about a year I was in my glory going to their monthly DoItHerself clinics where I made all sorts of fun projects I would never try at home. But as I spread the word and more people attended, they decided to end the program which was a hard blow.

They continued their monthly kids club clinic however but unfortunately my kids are all grown.

What to do, what to do.

I could borrow my goddaughter but at 10 that could be a gamble. I could make up a story about having a sick kid at home but I am not good at fibbing and they would never believe me. Or I could just ask if I could make the draft too. Yes, honestly truly is the best policy in my book.

When I got there I recognized the girl from Home Depot who was running it was from the DIH workshops. So I just said hello, made some small talk (which I HATE doing) and asked if I could make a kit. It was pretty busy and the work table was pretty full of little ones banging and painting away but she readily gave me a plastic bag with all the makings of my very own gingerbread box and said I could make it there or take it home. I happily accepted the "gift" and off I went. And you must know that I had the very biggest holiday grin the whole ride home.

No Chance I Will Be Replaced By Uber

DECEMBER DAILY DAY 2

This morning around 6:45 I got the request. Well, not exactly a request. At 6:40 I woke up to the sound of Kathy going down the stairs as she headed off to work. I am always slow to get out of bed so I just reveled under the blankets. And then I heard Phillip's voice informing me that he was putting on his shoes.

The sarcastic witch in me wasn't awake so I didn't respond "and what does that mean to me". Instead I just said "does this mean you want me to drive you to school?" and I received a grunt in response.

He's in 11th grade this year and very often wakes up at ungodly hours to walk to school. I confess I am not always sure what that's all about. He says he wants the time alone on the walk to listen to music and since his sister Julia said she did the same thing, I let it go. But I think the reason may have more to do with the way I react to some of the odder things he does to prepare for school. Whether its bringing the ukele to school or dressing in hot pick socks, shorts and tshirt for breast cancer awareness day, the kid can have interesting ways of expressing himself and gaining attention.

I admit I am not always supportive of these expressions, knowing that while some people will comment favorably, others will not. But these are the choices he makes and he needs to aware that there are always consequences. I don't necessarily say anything about these costumes choices but he is sensitive to my reaction to know how I feel.

Anyway, there aren't many mornings so far this year when he's needed me to drive him to school. But he did today. And it was nice to be needed. Driving him isn't really an inconvenience. It still leaves me time to get ready for work myself and it isn't too early. And it gives us rare "car time" which I have always enjoyed with my kids.

From the early morning drives from Baldwin to Nana Davis's house in East Meadow when Nata, Julia and I would sing along to books on tape (cassette tape that is -  I'll Love you Forever was a favorite) to the amazing dynamic that happens just last week when they were all home for Thanksgiving and we took a shopping trip and had the best banter ever, to the amusing car pools to scouts with Phillip and 3 other 16 year old boys, I really cherish the isolating, focusing environment of a car. (Phew - that was sure a run on sentence).

Anyway, today I got to drive him to school. I jumped out of bed in my flannel nightgown and socks and, after greeting the dog and giving the cat some food, went straight out to the car. Not a pretty sight. I gave my wonderfully dependable 2003 Accord a minute or two to warm up and we were on our way. Because I always have a mountain of "stuff" on the passenger seat, Phillip sits in the back. We are usually pretty quiet during the ride. I look at the sky and admire the color or clouds and he gets mentally prepared for the day. Its a quiet time that I share with him and usually pleasant.

Today was a bit chilly (no coat over the PJs) but dry. There were other cars on the road filled with other high school kids and their parents doing the same thing, but no long lines at the stop signs and no build up while dropping the kids off. My favorite thing is being able to say "Have a good day" as he goes off. Not sure he even hears it half the time, but it still feels good to say it.

Hello December

DECEMBER DAILY - DAY 1
Oh yes, its here. The home stretch of the year - December. A season with so many expectations. This year I want to pay attention every day and see its "specialness". I want to appreciate the beauty - big and small. I want to explore what it means to me as a 55 year old woman with a mostly empty nest.

I keep busy for sure on a daily base. And when there's down time I am completely happy to turn it all off. The challenge for me I think will be to slow down in the busy times and savor them. And to not completely turn off in the down times. I'd like to really experience my life at a speed that allows be to be aware and appreciate.

So that's my prelude to the month. I set this intention for the month with an open mind, willing to see more than what I have seen before.

"What I didn't know then is that surrender is always the beginning of a better dream." 

I want to surrender my mental ties to the past and see what happens. I am so fond of routine and traditions but maybe its time to open my heart to some new, and some different. All in the interest of finding joy. Quiet moments that tickle my fancy and make me chuckle as well as big moments of laugh out loud fun. Merriment. 

I think I can do this.

searching for a healthy relationship

The Need For Healthy Relationships

When it became clear that I was entangled in nothing BUT unhealthy relationships, that I had nothing but unhealthy relationships my entire life, I made the decision to seek out healthy ones. In some cases this meant I needed to change my friends but in others, I needed to change MY perspective and MY actions because these were people who I couldn’t change but who I needed in my life (family). As I have learned, we don’t have many different relationships with different people but rather we have one kind of relationship with everyone. Such tough stuff to really understand – even hearing it can be tough – then believing it even tougher. But understanding it – and what it means in your life – now that’s really tough stuff. And I think I’ve gotten there. Not completely sure what it means to me in terms of what I should DO with the knowledge. And that is a persistent trait of mine – the need to DO something and take some action. So hard to know when to just let the knowledge change my perception and when I really need to be active.
But the past year I have gotten away from these deep thoughts. And I now find myself in an interesting place – where I’m revisiting some past mistakes and I have the opportunity to do it BETTER this time. I have become quite adept at spotting unhealthy, I know it, can almost smell it, and it has the power to reach deep inside of me, deep in my bones to unnerve me. I am at some critical junctures in my life

My job is getting funkier as the economy stays in the doldrums and mgt is pushing from growth that cant be sustained on our shaky, no tech based foundation. My boss is so incompetent at what he does – nothing but hot air and theories, no real experience, just the ability to kiss the ass of his boss just right. Makes no sense he’s where he is – not a hard worker or smart thinker – just a good talker. The thing I respect the least – so its not coincidence that he’s in my life. Lessons to be learned for sure. Don’t get me wrong, he’s a nice, lovely man, But no substance. And today I overheard his boss, the company president – having a tantrum and speaking rudely to another manager and slamming down the phone. It made me queasy and shakey. Like when my parents used to fight and I wanted to slap them and tell them to behave. Then I became fearful that he could turn on me and treat me that way. Understandable that I felt that way but at this point in my life I should just shake my head, recognize the bad behavior for what it was but refuse to be intimidated or in any way respond to it. Know that if someone ever speaks to me that way, I have a choice and the choice I should make involves being unemotional and clear that I deserve better. Because I do. I do deserve healthy relationships at work.

My daughters are at a very critical time in their development – this is the age when I think my mother made the most mistakes and where I must tread especially carefully if I want to avoid history repeating itself. I intellectually know they need to break away, that I need to become an idiot so they can become geniuses and have the strength to break away from me and become independent. But it hurts. And it feels personal even though its not. I used to be amazed at how much I enjoyed them, how much I liked them. Now I find there are times I don’t like them very much – or rather times when they do things I don’t like. I need to find a way to process that and still love and support them while letting them go. More on that later – although there are similarities between them, the girls act out in VERY different ways making me feel like I am battling on several fronts. But its so important for them to see healthy relationships in actions.

And that’s the point I’m getting to. Besides being able to accurately pinpoint exactly what an unhealthy relationship is, I need to be able to participate in a healthy one. And a healthy relationship isn’t one that is all positive, where every exchange is sweet and loving. I am thinking a bit that a healthy relationship has the right attitude and the right approach in times of trouble. Respectful. Communicative. Flexible. Unselfish.

I am also keeping my strong faith that the love of my life will come into my life. Michael Buble’s “I just haven’t met you yet” brings the biggest smile to my face because that’s exactly how I’m feeling. That I deserve a great relationship – a love of my life – someone to be proud of – someone to share with – someone who is smart, funny, loyal, successful, kind, trust worthy. My partner. That he will come not because I have earned him but because I am a loving person and I will connect with him. I just got an email from someone and I noticed that my tone and approach isn’t what I want it to be. I used to write such upbeat and cheerful emails to my online “dates” – and the ones I have written to Joe are not like that – there’s no humor, there’s a skepticism I don’t like. Well see what happens – he may not respond and it may go nowhere. But I think I have a chance to make some progress. Be nicer. I think we have a live the attributes we want to receive from a partner. So if I want kind, then I need to be kind. If I want positive, then I need to be positive myself. I need some work in that area, I seem to have gotten a bit off track and I need to get back in alignment.

and i will. just you watch me.

guess who

Identity theft is such a problem in this country. Nothing to joke about for sure. Yet I don’t worry about it as much as I probably should. I don’t have a paper shredder, I make purchases online, I never review my monthly statements to make sure I’m not being bled dry (my denial “problem” will probably be the topic of many future posts). I have a pretty cavalier approach to it – as I am sure many do. Maybe it’s because I have enough other stuff to worry about. But more and more I think it may be because I don’t feel I have an identity. The past decade has brought so many changes and twists and turns that the “me” that existed for most of my life no longer exists.

I am not sure who I am any more.

There have been a few troubling experiences over the past few months. Catching a glimpse of myself in a mirror and being shocked at who was there. Not just has my overall body changed but the features in my face are no longer familiar. My hair isn’t the same greasy mop that needed to be washed every day.

I don’t even know what foods I like any more because my taste buds have changed so much. Chocolate never held much allure for me but now I find I actually crave it sometimes. I used to be able to sit down and devour a bag of potato chips without batting an eye but now I find don’t get the same enjoyment. Of course that doesn’t stop me from eating them – I stupidly continue shoving them in my face waiting for the state of bliss they used to inspire.

Now some of this is good for sure. I am sure is far healthier for me not to inhale bags of chips. But over all I find it disturbing. Unsettling. And at times, jarring.

Those dark years after I lost my job were the starting point. So much of my identity was caught up in my job. I complained about it all the time but in many ways my job was my life. I got so much gratification from working for a big company and having a position in the spotlight. McGraw Hill was a Fortune 100 company – I had a staff and a great title. I spent lots of times in meetings and had authority. I got to travel – in a very nice style with an expense account and corporate card. But I also felt a bit like a fake. I rarely spoke up in meetings – usually just listened and regurgitated what I heard back like a good puppet. I was young and kinda cute and loved being one of the few women in the group. It was really a thrill at times.

And yet, I know it was wrong to put so much emphasis on it. Wrong to let it make me think I was somehow “better” or “smarter” because of my job. They say God whispers to you – softly at first – and then with increasing volume it gets louder and louder until you get hit upside your head with a 2x4. Since that’s exactly the point I got to, I have to imagine I ignored all kinds of messages – probably because I was distracted with the thought of my own self importance.

Losing my job – having to sell my house and then – horror of horrors, having to move home to Levittown. Well, that took so much out of me. My identity for sure and even a bit of my soul.

And what did I learn from that – did I learn my lesson? Because I am afraid I dodnt. I am now at a small, rinky dink company – the oppose of McH. I have a nothing little job – no importance and I rarely get to go to meetings where I have a voice. I have a hard time respecting many of the management team here as opposed to the borderline hero worship I had at McH. And now I feel myself spewing – complaining – thinking I know better than they do – thinking I am smarter than and better than.

What a shame.

I really need to get it under control. Decide who I want to me now that I’m no longer who I was. I know I had to get rid of all that bad ego stuff but – because I was such a poor learner – I also lost some of the good stuff. I was so much more confident then. So much less risk adverse. I need to do it in a caring and loving and non judgmental way - build an identity I can be proud of – something no one could ever steal or take away.

Today I’m grateful for
A gym in the building where I can go at lunchtime. Although 4 weeks of this working out and only 1 pound lost is not the best start – it is at least a start.
My son’s voice when he calls me on the phone. Today he went home with Julia and it was lovely to hear his 9 year old voice say hello.
Second – and third chances. I will do better this time.