searching for a healthy relationship

The Need For Healthy Relationships

When it became clear that I was entangled in nothing BUT unhealthy relationships, that I had nothing but unhealthy relationships my entire life, I made the decision to seek out healthy ones. In some cases this meant I needed to change my friends but in others, I needed to change MY perspective and MY actions because these were people who I couldn’t change but who I needed in my life (family). As I have learned, we don’t have many different relationships with different people but rather we have one kind of relationship with everyone. Such tough stuff to really understand – even hearing it can be tough – then believing it even tougher. But understanding it – and what it means in your life – now that’s really tough stuff. And I think I’ve gotten there. Not completely sure what it means to me in terms of what I should DO with the knowledge. And that is a persistent trait of mine – the need to DO something and take some action. So hard to know when to just let the knowledge change my perception and when I really need to be active.
But the past year I have gotten away from these deep thoughts. And I now find myself in an interesting place – where I’m revisiting some past mistakes and I have the opportunity to do it BETTER this time. I have become quite adept at spotting unhealthy, I know it, can almost smell it, and it has the power to reach deep inside of me, deep in my bones to unnerve me. I am at some critical junctures in my life

My job is getting funkier as the economy stays in the doldrums and mgt is pushing from growth that cant be sustained on our shaky, no tech based foundation. My boss is so incompetent at what he does – nothing but hot air and theories, no real experience, just the ability to kiss the ass of his boss just right. Makes no sense he’s where he is – not a hard worker or smart thinker – just a good talker. The thing I respect the least – so its not coincidence that he’s in my life. Lessons to be learned for sure. Don’t get me wrong, he’s a nice, lovely man, But no substance. And today I overheard his boss, the company president – having a tantrum and speaking rudely to another manager and slamming down the phone. It made me queasy and shakey. Like when my parents used to fight and I wanted to slap them and tell them to behave. Then I became fearful that he could turn on me and treat me that way. Understandable that I felt that way but at this point in my life I should just shake my head, recognize the bad behavior for what it was but refuse to be intimidated or in any way respond to it. Know that if someone ever speaks to me that way, I have a choice and the choice I should make involves being unemotional and clear that I deserve better. Because I do. I do deserve healthy relationships at work.

My daughters are at a very critical time in their development – this is the age when I think my mother made the most mistakes and where I must tread especially carefully if I want to avoid history repeating itself. I intellectually know they need to break away, that I need to become an idiot so they can become geniuses and have the strength to break away from me and become independent. But it hurts. And it feels personal even though its not. I used to be amazed at how much I enjoyed them, how much I liked them. Now I find there are times I don’t like them very much – or rather times when they do things I don’t like. I need to find a way to process that and still love and support them while letting them go. More on that later – although there are similarities between them, the girls act out in VERY different ways making me feel like I am battling on several fronts. But its so important for them to see healthy relationships in actions.

And that’s the point I’m getting to. Besides being able to accurately pinpoint exactly what an unhealthy relationship is, I need to be able to participate in a healthy one. And a healthy relationship isn’t one that is all positive, where every exchange is sweet and loving. I am thinking a bit that a healthy relationship has the right attitude and the right approach in times of trouble. Respectful. Communicative. Flexible. Unselfish.

I am also keeping my strong faith that the love of my life will come into my life. Michael Buble’s “I just haven’t met you yet” brings the biggest smile to my face because that’s exactly how I’m feeling. That I deserve a great relationship – a love of my life – someone to be proud of – someone to share with – someone who is smart, funny, loyal, successful, kind, trust worthy. My partner. That he will come not because I have earned him but because I am a loving person and I will connect with him. I just got an email from someone and I noticed that my tone and approach isn’t what I want it to be. I used to write such upbeat and cheerful emails to my online “dates” – and the ones I have written to Joe are not like that – there’s no humor, there’s a skepticism I don’t like. Well see what happens – he may not respond and it may go nowhere. But I think I have a chance to make some progress. Be nicer. I think we have a live the attributes we want to receive from a partner. So if I want kind, then I need to be kind. If I want positive, then I need to be positive myself. I need some work in that area, I seem to have gotten a bit off track and I need to get back in alignment.

and i will. just you watch me.